Thursday, 15 May 2008

Augustine Pharmaceuticals Got BUSTED...

HETFET just updated with a juicy exposé on Augustine Pharmaceuticals. We all knew they were up to no good.

Here's the transcript but, as ever, head on over to to see it for yourself:

Augustine Pharmaceuticals never knew what hit them.

Mariska Herring seemed like just another research assistant. For three months she worked with a team of scientists to improve the efficacy of Augustine’s best-selling anti-aging formula, Uthyntrol. In those three months she proved to be well-educated, bright, hard working, and friendly; just the sort of lab tech that Augustine dreams about. Unfortunately for them, she became their worst nightmare.

Unbeknownst to Augustine Pharmaceuticals, Herring worked undercover for the activist group Humans for the Ethical Treatment of Fairies, Elves, and Trolls (HETFET). Her mission was simple: infiltrate and document anything suspicious regarding any “mystical creature.”

At first her mission appeared to be headed nowhere, bearing little fruit in the initial three months. Then late one recent night, while clandestinely exploring Augustine’s grounds, she stumbled upon something horrific — a secret underground troll farm beneath a massive bridge that passes over the Augustine compound. There she learned that Augustine was breeding trolls for their own ill purposes, often in cramped and unsanitary conditions.

For days, Herring fought her impulse to blow the whistle on Augustine. Instead she diligently documented the handling of the trolls as they were undernourished, physically abused by their handlers, and subjected to strange tests using Silver Nitrate. And just when she was ready to turn her research over to HETFET, she discovered the most horrifying truth of all — that Augustine was breeding trolls in their labs and then systematically destroying them. Why? Because the ultra-secret active ingredient used in making Uthyntrol was, believe it or not, troll marrow!

Horrified, she continued her investigation, and ultimately acquired shocking files that coldly described Augustine technicians surgically removing bone marrow from baby trolls… who sadly did not survive the procedure. Unbelievably, the men callously left this small pack of infants to die in their cramped holding hovels, their shocked mothers bearing witness to the atrocity. Having endured enough, Mariska disappeared from the job the following day and returned to HETFET to disclose her find.
A month later, her espionage work surfaced as the centerpiece in HETFET’s evidence against Augustine Pharmaceuticals. This evidence quickly caught the attention of the Columbus County District Attorney’s Office. Said District Attorney Agatha N. Olan, “Their [Augustine’s] actions are as inhumane and despicable as it gets. Rest assured this office will be bringing forth felony charges against them.”

On Sunday morning the Columbus Police Department, armed with a warrant, stormed the research facility, shutting down the entire complex. The District Court then ordered Augustine to immediately halt all Uthyntrol production and sales, while formal charges are pending.


Alison Robin said...

Ever notice that Uthyntrol is an anagram for "Truth only"?

I don't know what relevance the Silver Nitrate has, but in the article it was capitalized, so there must be something relevant about it. It might not be relevant, but if you get silver nitrate on your hands, it will stain them black when exposed to sunlight. Used right, it can also help wounds. The chemical form would be AgNO3, but I'm not sure if that matters.

Hellboy's Big Red Blog said...

I'm not sure about the Silver Nitrate theory but, wow, that's some pretty high-brow intel :)

I think you might be on to something with the Uthyntrol/Truth Only idea though - this whole time I've been assuming it means 'Youth In Troll' (which it kind of is, if it's a de-aging product coming from troll marrow), but the latest limerick tells us to 'beware of those not of their word'... The plot (possibly) thickens...