Extra! Extra! Augustine Is Down For The Count! Read All About It!

This just in! Looks HETFET just won a major battle:

AUGUSTINE CONVICTED OF TROLL CRUELTY

The ongoing war for troll rights takes another step forward, at the expense of Augustine Pharmaceuticals, the makers of the immensely anticipated anti-aging medication Uthyntrol. In what is surely a landmark victory, Augustine was convicted on seven counts of felony cruelty for using troll marrow as the “secret ingredient” in their new line of anti-aging products. In his closing statement, a notable District Judge thanked the organization known as HETFET for their vigilance, and admonished the entire Board of Augustine Pharmaceuticals for their “willful and unrepentant disregard for life–troll or otherwise”, ordering them to immediately cease production and destroy all inventory containing troll-based components.

With the surprising conviction on multiple counts, it was clear that the jury was unwilling to accept the defense’s argument that trolls are not entitled to the same rights as people or even animals. Throughout the trial, Augustine’s Defense Attorney contended that the United States constitution does not guarantee trolls’ rights. Legal analysts, meanwhile, have already begun to speculate what this will mean to the many other companies that, like Augustine, utilize questionable techniques and other allegedly inhumane techniques to gather and extract valuable organs and fluids from these special creatures.

It seems Augustine also had a hand in illegal pixie-farming operations around the globe, designed to take advantage of recent pixie dust demand, seemingly brought about by our own government. Controversy continues to swirl around this issue but AP seems to be at the center of it, according to our very own M. Herring.

At the post-verdict press conference, State District Attorney Olan said that the defense vastly underestimated the jury’s compassion for all living creatures. “Trolls and other of these so-called mystical beings are largely misunderstood and often feared, and the fact that the jury largely ignored the defense’s attempts to vilify and demonize them showed a remarkable empathy that made me proud to say I’m a human being!” said a tearful Olan.

In a separate civil case, the company has also been accused of concealing negative side-effects of Uthyntrol, including excessive hair growth, sun sensitivity, and, in some extremely rare cases, uncontrollable attraction to shiny objects.